A simple tool for presence and connection
Probably one of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes is something along the lines of “people won’t remember you for what you did, but how you made them feel.” As someone who has a history of being a compulsive giver and over-doer, basically proving my worth through my actions, my nervous system softens with relief hearing the poet Maya Angelou’s words. I’d like to think that my presence and how I showed up in my relationships is really what mattered.
Some of you might be familiar with the concept of the love languages. Gary Chapman, a seasoned couples therapist, observed how some couples expressed love through physical affection, verbal praise, gift giving, and so on. Understanding what language your partner “speaks” can be helpful in how we receive and express love.
But what about our presence? The ability to communicate with our partner both verbally and non-verbally that we see and hear them. There’s an easy conversational tool called active listening where you- as the listener- can demonstrate to your partner that you are attuned and empathic. So how does this work? Below are steps for how to be an active listener. First, make sure that you and your partner can be un-interrupted. Perhaps after baby
goes down for a nap or in the evening over a cup of tea.
Steps for active listening
- Show genuine interest in your partner: “Tell me more about that.”
- Communicate Understanding: “How frustrating! I would be stressed, too if someone talked to me that way.”
- Being reflective like saying “I can see why you are upset.”
- Create solidarity “you are not alone, I’m with you.”
- Show similarities, “I understand because in the past this happened to me”
- Show affection -touch their shoulder, hold their hand, sit closer, make eye contact, etc.
- Listen first before suggesting solutions. Understanding must precede advice.*
- Help your partner to problem solve only if they are receptive to feedback.
*A general tip is that understanding must precede advice. Active listening doesn’t need to include problem solving, but if you want to ask for permission to give feedback if your partner wants it.
Active listening does not have to be formal. In fact, it can be infused into your daily ritual check-in with each other. If the idea of an intimacy building exercise feels unrealistic, at least try active listening. You might be surprised how more connected you feel to your partner when you practice and embody presence.
Interested in learning other easy relationship building exercises? Join me October 19th for my online class “Baby-proof your relationship.” I provide you with digestible material to nurture your relationship during the transition to parenthood. Click link here.
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